Being Alone and Self-Inquiry

When I say "alone" I don't mean just physically by one's self in this world.  I mean "alone" and all it suggests:

Pick your own favorite:

    abandoned
    adrift
    alienated
    all alone
    all by one's self
    alone
    cut off
    deserted
    estranged
    forlorn
    forsaken
    isolated
    lonely
    lonesome
    marooned
    ostracized
    shunned
    solitary

At times in my life, I have been there. People and being a yabberholic have, from time to time, been my drug of treatment. Others, I know, bypass that and go straight to alcohol, drugs, food, sex, complaining, pleading -- the list goes on -- whatever seems to help in their self-medication. Or, perhaps they skip the self-medication stage and simply going down into the abyss, like a drowning person who just can't hold their head above water any longer.

Being alone in the above sense suggests you stop for a recess, quietly as you can, and silently ask yourself, "Who is alone?" Without the baggage of thinking of theories or recalling quotes, the naked eventual interior answer, of course, is I.  *I* am alone. Then ask, silently and gently, "Who is this I?" which is another way to say, "Who am I?" which is probably the most effective tool you can use. When you ask, not demand, "Who am I?" there will be even the smallest pause and hesitation. You do NOT, and I cannot repeat this enough, want to answer the question with more thinking, with a thought like, "I am Billy Bob" or (lofty) "I am Consciousness" and so on. This is not a didactic conversation/lecture. In the pause, as it were, gently probe a bit more. "Where did this I come from?"

Remember. You are asking questions, "Who am I?" "Who is this I? You are not making statements or showing off your "knowledge."

Further, even if you are quietly asking and searching (but not answering) your mind quite naturally finally begins thinking again. The brook babbles. The ego does not like the way things are going, and will try to engage you. Instead, when thoughts come into the Silence, again ask, "Who is it that is having these thoughts?" The answer that comes is, "Well, *I* am."  Good. Then, calmly and silently, ask, "Who is this I that has the thoughts?" The answer?  "Me. I am the thinker." Fine. Your next question as you focus on that which offered the answer, is, "Who am I?" or "Who is this I?" or "Who is this I who is thinking?"

And, so it goes. You are back to "Who am I?" Back to the i, self with a small s. This is not meditation or a formal exercise. It is something you should be prepared to do at any time.

The "i" or personal self will bluster and just loves to feed off its own energy like a a self-perpetuating tornado. It, the ego, the false I, is where that above list comes from. At the same time, the i prefers to be top dog. No attention drawn to it, please. Just doing my job. Plus, the bit of sunlight you throw from your own attention in that moment and the scrutiny of questioning will send the i running away, vanishing. As you ask the question and sit and wait, the i makes an "Exit, stage right!" and gaze in that internal direction as hard as you wish, it won't be there. It's not there. It's never been there as anything Real. In fact, it covers that I in you that is Real. You have nothing to get, when it comes to spiritual work. What you have is some cargo to throw overboard, and that cargo, the i, somehow has become cargo that runs the ship. That i gets smaller, the voice more distant. The ego or i is thrown off balance because you didn't get angry, you didn't want to have an intellectual debate, you just are watching, observing what is happening when you ask a simple question.

Know this. That i is not your friend. Friendly saboteur, perhaps. For instance, if you are trying to be Silent in your life and (as happens at first) you fall down and goof up, the i is right here to whisper in your ear: "I told you that you couldn't do this!  I told you it wouldn't work! You NEED thoughts, you NEED conflict, you NEED to react willy-nilly to life!"  In reality, it is the i that needs all that to give its false existence credibility, to get your motor started so it can have energy. It is blowing the dog whistle to get you jumping like a good puppet. You're not playing that game, though. Above all, it certainly doesn't want you to ask, "Who am I?" which would expose what is just an illusion that's been running the show.

An important thing to note, so much so that I've said it in this blog and will say it again. What does the word Real mean, with a capital R? Or, perhaps better for the moment, what does the word "real" mean, anyway? Betcha you don't have an answer that wouldn't choke a philosopher!

Actually, yes, I do have an answer. It's not even complicated, not in the least. The difference between Real and real is very simple. In order for something to be Real, it must be unchanging, permanent, timeless (without birth or death, beginning or end). Everything else appears as real and we treat it as real (or Real), but it isn't. Not really. That includes, dear friends, painful truth about things like the body and the mind -- both are simply conventions or activities or a conglomeration of things that come together for a moment and then are gone again, although we may act like they are still there and still very, very real. Past relationships that crashed and burned, the way at 2 years old at your birthday party you had an unfortunate potty training accident and it has prevented you from ever being comfortable around other people, etc. etc.

The mind is not real, as in lasting or unchanging, just like the body isn't real. Thoughts are not real. You assign ultimate reality to that person in this body who has thoughts about this and that and you call it "I" in 40% of the sentences you say aloud.

But, as we will see in various places in this blog, that I -- the mind, body, thoughts, opinions are not at the end of your question, "Who am I?" and in time, that will be extremely clear. And you, working on freedom, are turning away from the other choice -- bindings and chains and bondage.

In reality, in your deepest place, it is never even remotely possible to be alone, if by that word you mean disconnected and the others on that list at the top of the entry. That knowledge alone doesn't stop the i from squealing and demanding attention. But, knowledge -- books and scriptures and memorized prayers -- is not where your answers will come from, anyway. Those, it seems, come only from Silence.

Oh. And when you return to that Silence, that point where you trace back the source of the mythical i and, stepping beyond, abide in it, you are resting in the Real, that which is called the Self, capital S. That, in a way, is toward Self-Realization, what the famous term means.

Who you are is not the small i, that is the message. It's not real, just a shadow, and your worries and sense of being alone -- and such are like a mirage in the desert you've been dancing with. The real I that is uncovered, that draws you into your spiritual (not physical) heart is known in some circles as the Atman, which  can be called many things. Pure awareness. Consciousness. Even Satchiananda, a Sanskrit word made up of three words and means "being, consciousness, bliss."  Ultimate Reality. If you choose, God. The permanent, unchanging ground-of-being. The world is not a duality and stew of differences, ultimately, but connections and interbeing at One.

That explains why, in dark times, you are, indeed, never alone. Not in your spiritual heart.