View out bedroom window
Bobbled a bit the other day by doing something that is a pretty-much ingrained habit -- picked up a ringing phone.
At first, when I was finished, it felt as if a bubble around me had been broken and, what's more, it didn't feel anywhere near as centered and aware as I had been before the call. It took a night's sleep to where things were thankfully softly treading back into what had become a very important place -- Silence.
This body has had its share (and then some) of increasingly serious problems, which (thankfully for you) I won't go into, and this morning when I got out of bed I remembered the guidepost -- "Either you are working for your freedom or you are working for your bondage."
At first, when I was finished, it felt as if a bubble around me had been broken and, what's more, it didn't feel anywhere near as centered and aware as I had been before the call. It took a night's sleep to where things were thankfully softly treading back into what had become a very important place -- Silence.
This body has had its share (and then some) of increasingly serious problems, which (thankfully for you) I won't go into, and this morning when I got out of bed I remembered the guidepost -- "Either you are working for your freedom or you are working for your bondage."
Yesterday and, more so today, the Silence that I had poked an unwanted hole in was back. My memo notebook in my pocket with a pen, my misstep faded and the Silence took its place. Now, today, I have a trip to the grocery store for supplies to look forward to, thanks to my friend's kindness. I have written a few emails back and forth with him last few days, but we'll have to see how we can deal with this Silence stuff.
But when I did "fall off the wagon" it was a bit like being knocked 22 steps backwards. I regained my balance in it all by thinking that (1) This is bound to happen. Changes like this, big ones, require some forgiveness on my part for myself. (2) How well the world felt before that fumble was every reason to get back to it. (3) Rather than whimper and tremble about it, it has made me more determined for so many reasons. Some of the little "ground rules" were too lax, and I guess I am doubling down rather than just give up the whole idea.
I don't care, for example, if the phones are plugged in or turned on or they're not. (Although I do, for medical reasons, keep them in. I just don't answer them and wait and listen to any message.)
I'll have the greeting changed to ask a caller to contact me with an email -- although the exact phrasing hasn't quite gotten firmed up in my head. If something can't be done with email or a few words to a friend on FaceBook, it just doesn't need to be done in talking mode.
What seems to have really helped, though, is just getting back out into the world itself -- with my "Thank you" memo pad and pen, cane and bite to eat in my shoulder bag. Get on buses and enjoy the ride. Go to the store and buy a few things with a smile. Places I have gone to for months take all this in stride when I am Silent.
But when I did "fall off the wagon" it was a bit like being knocked 22 steps backwards. I regained my balance in it all by thinking that (1) This is bound to happen. Changes like this, big ones, require some forgiveness on my part for myself. (2) How well the world felt before that fumble was every reason to get back to it. (3) Rather than whimper and tremble about it, it has made me more determined for so many reasons. Some of the little "ground rules" were too lax, and I guess I am doubling down rather than just give up the whole idea.
I don't care, for example, if the phones are plugged in or turned on or they're not. (Although I do, for medical reasons, keep them in. I just don't answer them and wait and listen to any message.)
I'll have the greeting changed to ask a caller to contact me with an email -- although the exact phrasing hasn't quite gotten firmed up in my head. If something can't be done with email or a few words to a friend on FaceBook, it just doesn't need to be done in talking mode.
What seems to have really helped, though, is just getting back out into the world itself -- with my "Thank you" memo pad and pen, cane and bite to eat in my shoulder bag. Get on buses and enjoy the ride. Go to the store and buy a few things with a smile. Places I have gone to for months take all this in stride when I am Silent.
